Love...

When we say we "love" God, do we really mean it? Is it a real love? Do we even know what we're saying? Do we understand the statement we're making, that we "love" the infinite God of the universe. The one who knew us before we were even formed. Do we understand a love that absolutely crazy?

I think the answer to that question is not how much do I love God, for yes, of course I do, did you see how much I gave up for him? But the exact opposite, do I know how much HE "loves" me?

I think it's probably the normal thing to do when faced with trying to love the most amazing and loving person in the world... How could they love me? How could they see everything I've done and still say, I love you and want to be with you. I don't care that you have screwed up fifteen million times and will continue to screw up for the rest of your life, I love you. You are mine. You are loved. You don't have to perform. You don't have to meet a quota. You don't have to have all the answers. You don't have to have all the questions... Will you let me love you? Will you let my unconditional love wash over your life? Will you allow me to woo you? Will you allow me to love you?

Can we even understand that? Often, in my feeble mind I am not able to understand that God loves me for me. But my heart... oh my heart often has this encounter with God where I just lose it. I was driving down the road earlier tonight and the song, "How He Loves Us" came on and I just wept...

I can't explain this love.

I hope to share it with the world though.

Am I Different?

I have been in a place lately of anything and everything completely breaking my heart for the lost and broken... My heart literally hurts most days, and sometimes for an extended period of time. I have gone back and forth on who God is. What's his character when it comes to the heart. How does he view my passions and desires? They are to feed the poor and bring hope and joy to the hopeless and the broken. Where is this place that needs the most love? Honestly, probably everywhere in it's own ways...
Is the prostitute in Thailand any different than the prostitute on the corner in Vegas? We could look at it this way and say yes; the prostitute half way around the world has no other option, she can support her family with this. While the prostitute in Vegas, she has other options, she is just supporting a desperate need for heroin to hit her veins.

Am I any different?

Am I better than either of these girls?

Am I more deserving of love because I have been rescued?

I would say that they are both more deserving than myself. It is the sick who need a doctor... I have my problems, but i'm too prideful to even see them. My eyes have been opened, yet I do not allow myself to see. I put a blind fold over my eyes. I cover my ears. I stop the flow of life to and from my heart... If I do not love them, than I do not love Jesus. How can I say that I love Jesus with all of my heart and not give everything that I have to those he cared for most. Even more painful than the thought of hurting Jesus, is the actual, physical pain felt when God has given me just a glimpse of what true pain feels like...

May I be your vessel of love. Will you send laborers into the painful, bloody, screwed up, broken, shattered, lovely, smiling, dancing, searching, harvest...

May I be your vessel of love.

Here am I. Send me.

hope...

I find that hope is one of the hardest things to grab a hold of and even harder to hang on to. In an instant the joy and peace which was so strong can be gone. I can find myself driven to a place of despair, completely unaware of how I got there. I was reading the book of Job this morning and in chapter 42 vs. 5 Job says, My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you.

Whatever I have to go through to see you with my eyes and not just hear of you with my ears, I will do it. I want to see Him, not just hear of him. I will hold on to the truth of who I know you are and not how I feel... you are God, and I am not.

food

When you look into the eyes of a starving child who has just been given a little bit of food, you can see that it meant so much.

dancer

She loved to dance. She was beautiful...

resistance

This trench was dug to be the foundation for a wall, not to keep people out, but to divert the rushing flood waters coming down from the mountain. This clinic was located at the base of a mountain which sends flood waters streaming down towards the city, buildings, and tents. We weren't able to finish the project because the government came in and said that we didn't have the permits to build the wall... people's homes were being washed away by raging water and the government who is normally not concerned with anything stopped our work because we didn't have the permits.

I hope it is finished.

mark

Out of nowhere one day walking back to the base from the clinic in St. Marc, this English speaking Haitian man named Mark called out to me. We began a conversation which lasted only a few minutes that first day, but our friendship continued on for the next few days before I left. He was a very gentle and kind man who only asked for friendship and a daily conversation.

naked jaybird

There are no words that can describe that smile.

adoption

I don't remember his name, I don't know his address, I have no way to contact him. I don't know if he has been adopted by someone through Compassion or World Vision, but I have adopted him in heart.

a cry of desperation

How do you say no to a kid who has nothing. A kid who is begging from everyone, not just the Americans walking by. I asked myself this question thousands of times, and I have no good answer. I could minimize everything and say that he was probably fine and just begging for more than he needed, but he didn't have anything. I would say that he had enough to keep him alive, but for how long? How long can his body continue to be fueled by malnourishment? When my heart was bursting to help this kid, I couldn't. I was frustrated and am still frustrated with not being able to help him.

I am not satisfied with the answer, "well, we can't help them all..."

My prayer and I hope yours for this boy would be, God what do I have to give up to help them all?

futbol

I am not much of a soccer player, I do love sports but this is probably my worst. But there is something about the look that comes from the eyes of children, especially ones who are more than excited that you would take time to play with them. These three guys and myself kicked a rugged ball around for a few minutes before I had to head back into the YWAM base. One of the hardest parts of short term mission trips for me is that you can have an amazing time playing soccer, investing time and love into some kids lives and never see them again... I am hoping for their best.

Haiti Stories

It is currently 12:30am on the dot and my plan is to share stories of Haiti through pictures that I had taken. I'm going to go to bed and start this tomorrow. Hope you enjoy and are encouraged (when the stories begin).

haiti (sort of)

first off, i want to apologize to Candice Lyerla (haha) and all of the other loving, amazing, faithful followers of my blog.

being in hait, there has been so little to talk talk about and so much time. or is that so little time and so much to talk about... (that would be a delightful spin off quote from charlie and the chocolate factory. sorry, i've been dropping dad jokes like crazy lately. i think it's the water here, at least that's what is going to get the blame).

joking aside, there are seven weeks of absolute joy, sadness, cuts and bruises, babies, kids, 115 year old ladies, hello's and goodbye's, mountain adventures, radical love, God's radical love, flattened buildings, sledge hammers and new re-bar frames, anger, frustration, injustice, peace that passes all understanding, tent city after tent city with thousands of homeless families in each one, rice and beans (lots of rice and beans), late nights and early mornings, early nights and early mornings, (my) selfishness, delicious mangos, a goat, a few pastors, a few ministries, a few (26) friends... and a beautiful story intertwtined with these scenes and so many more.

but i need to think. to reflect.

Haiti: week 1

i want to write so much about my trip, but the only thing that comes to mind is that i am so incredibly fortunate for the life i've been given, and i take advantage of it all the time... these people have nothing and i continue to complain (in my head most of the time so no one else will know) about my circumstances and my selfishness wanting more for me every day.

there is more that i am pondering, but i will hold onto those things for a while.

Haiti on monday

after a budget mix up, we have all of the money necessary for our trip. after many switches and changes, we seem to be set up to work with an orphanage and help work with a church in port au prince and then spend three weeks with YWAM st marc. who knows what else God has planned, but seeing his faithfulness coming to pass is one of the biggest blessings i've ever received...

-We ought not to grow tired of doing little things for the love of God, who regards not the greatness of the work, but the love with which it is performed.

a little bit of the most recent me

so... i will be headed to haiti on monday with three other leaders and 23 students. we will be spending seven weeks and i have been so worried about things and what's going to happen and how things are going to work, but God has literally thrown encouraging words and situations in my face. i don't know why i so easily forget Him and His faithfulness. He is so good and trustworthy, but i forget it as soon as a new obstacle arises. i was praying the other night and i began to just speak open to God with where i was at. before i knew it, i was saying things that i had no idea i had been going through. i love the honesty that i can have with my amazing father and friend...

and i love his honesty when he softly speaks... I LOVE YOU JOSHUA, I ALWAYS WILL.

p.s. please pray for myself and our team. we will definitely be involved in a spiritual battle and battling natural things at the same time. thank you.

LOVE

LOVE is patient, LOVE is kind. LOVE does not envy, LOVE does not boast, LOVE is not proud. LOVE is not rude, LOVE is not self-seeking, LOVE is not easily angered, LOVE keeps no record of wrongs. LOVE does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. LOVE always protects, LOVE always trusts, LOVE always hopes, LOVE always perseveres.

There is true LOVE, I just need to choose it... we all need to choose it.

piano man...

i met a man today named nick juele.

nick was rugged in sight and shifty in vision.

he was playing a piano on pearl street in boulder, colorado for the small amount of change and bills filling up a red dixie cup sitting atop his blanket covered instrument. spending close to an hour enthralled in story after story, i hated saying goodbye to my new friend. nick's love for music, a sarcastically excited understanding of the daily grind, and a deep knowledge of pain and joy was evident in his story and song. many rough patches and few breaks. music is a hard road he said. life is a hard road...

nick said he didn't normally do this, but he gave me a cd.

nick was kind.

nick wanted to share his story.

nick was heard.

justice...

Last September I was asked to be part of the staff which was pioneering a new school at Youth With A Mission Denver, the School of Social Justice. To be honest, going into the school I had absolutely no idea of the injustices which are going on in the world today. I spent 2 days a week sitting in on the lectures that angered me, tore my heart out, made me cry, and brought out a holy rage that I had never known before. There is something about injustice that I cannot live with. I have been exposed and I cannot sit around as kids, adults, black, white, poor, rich, PEOPLE, are beaten, made to be sex slaves, raped, and worked until they die... I cannot sit around and do nothing.
Our schools unclaimed motto became, "with knowledge comes great responsibility." And now I see this every day in my life. I see that everything I complain about would be a blessing and an amazing gift to about 90 percent of the world. Everything that I take for granted could be stripped away at any moment. When I hear the statistics: 2.2 children die every year because they are not immunized; some 1.8 million child deaths each year are from diarrhea; 2 kids are sold into slavery EVERY minute; 1.5 million kids are orphaned due to HIV/AIDS; and some 1.1 billion people in developing countries have inadequate access to water and 2.6 billion lack basic sanitation. I can only think one thing, this is injustice...
This is not what God meant when He looked at everything He made and said, "it was very good." We have to make a change. We have to change the world. It has to start with us. God can't just magically fix everything. But he wants to use us, and he wants us to use his strength, wisdom, power, and love to change the world...

LET'S BE THE CHANGE.

STAND UP FOR WHAT'S RIGHT!

-justice at its best is love correcting everything that stands against love.

Recently...

In April 2008 I moved to Denver, Co. to take part in a DTS (Discipleship Training School) with YWAM (Youth With A Mission) Denver. I spent three months in a lecture/teaching phase, and two months on outreach to Thailand. In order to come on staff with YWAM Denver, you have to go through a three month leadership training school called, Phase 2. After taking another three months to work and raise money, I joined staff in March of 2009.

1987 -

I've always wanted to write a basic biography of my life, and maybe one day I will. But right now, the past is nothing compared to the present.